Addiction

Addiction is a disease that affects not only the addict but the family as well. Some people do not realize they are not the only ones who suffer. My dad was an alcoholic. He would go out drinking almost every night. It was hard to love him the way I should have loved a dad. He was hardly ever there to raise us kids.

When he tucked us in at night, he said “Mom and I love you very much. Even though we fight, we still care.” I would think about how much I hate him and want him to go away. He would get very depressed when he drank. I don’t have any memories of my dad except the fact that I would go with him to my grandpa’s bar.

I was sitting in English class, when my principle came in and said my brother and sister are here to pick me up. No one said why I was getting picked up early. It was a very quiet car ride home. When my little sister and I went in the house, the song “Daddy’s Hands” was playing. My mom was sitting on the couch with the pastor. My mom and pastor then told me that my dad had passed away. My mom later told me that he had been drinking the night he commit suicide. I was only 9 years old.

It is very similar to the core issues. The core issues I have seen are:

·         Drinking became part of the daily routine

·         Emotional behavior unstable

·         Psychological absence

·         Shame or blame with use

·         Drinking becomes central organizing feature of daily life

·         Skew toward short term adaption to achieve comfort

·         Couples become demoralized

I have seen the Intoxication dances play out. I have seen the chronically intoxicated is irresponsible and under functioning. 

Culture Diversities and Intimate relationships

I grew up middle class. I think that growing up middle class impacted the kind of person I am today. I grew up and was taught to save money. It is hard for me to spend money because I think that I need to save it all. Even though my husband grew up in the same social class I grew up in, my husband on the other hand likes to spend money.

My mom raised my siblings and me by herself. My dad past away when I was nine, he was never there for my mom and us kids. The things I value the most is family time. My grandpa was taken away from us way to early when I was 8. He passed away from cancer. There are so many things I wish I could have done with him, so I like to spend time with family. My husband also values family. Family is very important to him.

I was also raised Lutheran. When I started dating, I would date boys who were also Lutheran. I think it was because my aunt is Lutheran and her boyfriend is Catholic and they had a tough time agreeing if they should get their daughters baptized Lutheran or Catholic. They finally decided Lutheran since my aunt was the only one who would be taking them to church. My husband is Lutheran. I don’t think he cared about religion when looking for a partner.

I all my relationships have been in the same social class that I am in, my friends and boyfriends, even my husband. We all value the same things. I like having friends in the same social class because they understand if I can’t afford anything. I do not have to explain to them that I have to pay bills first before blowing my money on pointless things.

Managing Conflict in Intimate Relationships

            I learned a lot about my relationship with my husband in the section. When talking about the four common categories of events that instigate conflict I have realized that the conflicts for us are:

·         Rebuffs: I have found that if I say something about how my rough day, and was expecting a hug. I don’t get one. He just says or that sucks and walks away. When he says something about his day I say something supportive and give a hug and a kiss.

·         Cumulative Annoyances: My husband has so many of these, where do I start. He leaves his pop cans and pop bottles lying around. He does not rinse them out and put them in the recycling. He does not put his wet shoes on the rug by the door; he leaves them on the tile floor by the door.

·         Criticism: this is another thing that we do. I am trying to get better at this. When he is cooking something and messes up just a little. I will say something like “can’t you read? It says half a cup right there. You need to read the directions better.” I am working on it to say something like oh well it happens, it will still taste good.

If my husband was to read these four common categories of events, he would say illegitimate demands are another one, I don’t think it is. He doesn’t have very many things to do around the house. I will ask him to take garbage out and unload the dish washer. (Both are his chores.) He will say “I can’t do everything” I usually remind him that he can take over my chores and I can take over his. (I have more chores.)

When I get angry with him I run, walk, go somewhere by myself, and we talk about things that make me angry or annoy me. We never take it out on each other and make something that is so small into a bigger conflict.

Sexual Intimacy and Self-Concept

    I learned a lot about the different types of Dances from Lerner. With my relationship with my husband we are Underfunctioning-Overfunctioning. I am the one who saves money and spends money after we have paid bills and put money in the savings. My husband is the one who needs to spend, spend, spend.

    When my husband and I first started dating, he spent money all the time. I met him and he still spent money like it was no big deal. When we got engaged, he was in charge of our finance's. I was in college full time and couldn't find a part time job that would work around my schooling. He put himself into debt. I was telling him that he needs to save and pay bills first, but his friends didn't like that I was telling him what to do.

     We had to move because I was able to get a job in a different town. We both were working and attending college. He put me in charge of the finance stuff. We got married and I am still in charge of the finance's, but I include him in it. If I need to buy something expensive I talk to him about it and say what the plan is and how we can afford it. The same for when he needs to buy something expensive. He will look in the checkbook and online, ask if all pills are paid and money was transferred to savings before asking if he can buy something for us/me.

    He has gotten better at spending money. He still wants to spend a little bit more then we have planned for spending, but it isn't as much as it was before.

History and Well-Being

   Relationships/Marriages have changed since 1650. They had Arrange Marriage's in 1650 A.D., I would not want to be in an arrange marriage. Maybe that is why divorce rate was so high. Women were also seen as property. They had supervised visits on date. There was also NO living together before getting married. How did people get use to the other person's little annoying habits?

     Relationships/Marriages today people live together and are engaged longer before getting married. They can go anywhere on a date to a movie, dinner, shopping, or just hang out. One tradition that has been passed down and is still around today is weddings. People still get married in a church, bride wearing white, grooms wear a black tux, and have a wedding party of close family and friends. They also invited everyone under the sun to the wedding because families were very close back then.

            I don’t know how I would have felt if my marriage was an arrange marriage. I do not think I would have liked it. My husband’s and my first date was in a public place, I had my older sister and her husband come with when I met my husband for the first time. We met on Facebook and I didn’t want to meet him by myself. That is what they did back in the 1650’s and up.

            I would go to his house and he would come to my mom’s (I was still living at home.) We wouldn’t be left alone unless we were at his house. My mom had us sitting in the living room or den when he would come over. I guess it was how she was raised and wanted to give us the same love her parents gave her.